I walked into a public washroom the other day. A really nice one! It was big and had double digit waste removing receptacles. To get into the restroom, I had to walk through a door, that lead to an antechamber and another door – as antechambers are wont to do. As I stepped through the second door, as if on cue, I heard “Tuf-tuff-tuff Ha-hua-ha-hua.” After a few more seconds of phasey, Mutt Lange produced vocal samples, that cocky bassline from a jackass synthesizer kicked in. “Bwa-buh-buh-bwuh-buh-buuuuh-buh-buuuhh.”
Then Billy Ocean finally cut to the chase and started asking for consent to “touch ya and do the things that lovers do.” He described all the things he would do to “get it through to you.” He would “climb any mountain” and “do anything,” which is a bit sudden. I mean, he says he would climb a mountain, then loses his cool and says “anything.” Like killing a guy with a ski-doo, while wearing nothing but a pair of Justin Ropers’, and listening to Def Leppard’s Hysteria, on a jam box, out loud, isn’t off the table – if that’s what you’re into.
Anyway, I instantly thought that it would be hilarious if I were having some problems going to the bathroom*. You know, if I were having issues getting some forward movement because my diet isn’t high in fiber**. If I weren’t the well-oiled machine of digestion that I am***.
If one only listens to the chorus, the song goes well with any tough situation, where the tough must get rough. And there isn’t much more of a moment for that star to shine it’s brightest, then while leading a sortie on the affliction that is, constipation. Seriously, that is some rough shit and the song is that scenario’s anthem.
Anyway, I have a tendency to make myself laugh and it was hard not to start laughing at this point. As the first snickers echoed off the wall I realized, I wasn’t alone. I don’t know who was in there with me and hopefully, they don’t know me either. I was the crazy guy laughing in the bathroom. Fantastic!
Holy shit, Billy Ocean is from Chicago! I got some bad info when I was 8 and never updated it.
* I wasn’t!
** It is!
*** I am!