Darth Vader: Space Dick Head

darth vader, I hate Mondays

Face it, Darth Vader was a bad dude. The mere mention of his name, if it were even spoken aloud, sent chills running down the spines of all that heard it. Made their b-holes shrivel like deflating balloon. He could lightsaber duel like no-one’s business and force choke people when he was feeling blah. When truly uninitiated, Darth Vader could order people to blow stuff up for him. With nary a care in the universe. He didn’t care about the people that he killed. They were vermin and beneath him. Darth Vader had no feelings. Well, not good ones that The Beach Boys liked to sing about.

Before becoming the love child of death and a badly in need of service vacuum cleaner, in a metaphorical “I hate Mondays” T-shirt, Darth Vader was known as Anakin Skywalker. A good looking, sniveling, whiny, business in front, party in back rat tail wearing douche which no one particularly cared for, except Padme and JarJar.

To the detriment of tension, he happened to be good at everything he did. Fighting, jumping, flying, sniveling, were all in his wheelhouse. Which happened to be the reason why Palpatine was interested in him. If one is going to play an intergalactic game of dodgeball, then one should pick the best person for one’s team.

That’s exactly what Palpatine did. However, he didn’t want Vader to be too powerful. To that end, Palpatine manufactured some restraints into that suit. This would hopefully prevent Vader from overpowering and killing his master. Something that happens to every single Sith Lord at some point in time. So much so, that it leaves one wondering why they continue to take on apprentices.

The biggest limitation though was the helmet. There’s no denying that it looked cool and threatening, especially with the skull like mask. However, it had a secret. One of those things that, once it’s seen, cannot be unseen.

Everyone was absolutely one hundred percent terrified of Darth Vader. That was the only reaction anyone could have. Terror. That is until a plucky rebel trooper Chet “Amazeballs” Phasall pointed it out. The thing that couldn’t be unseen. Darth Vader’s helmet looked like a dick.

That was the cherry on top of the black cowl 1970’s sweat suit combo. It looked like Darth Vader could run a 5k on Hoth and be ready to take a bullet. He had a dark lustrous voice that sounded like silk that’d been run through the wash a thousand times. Then there was his mask, both skull like and yet, very alien at the same time. Yet, none of it was worth a dime once people realized he looked like a space weiner.

On top of all the limitations of the suit that kept Vader’s power in check, he had to have phallic head gear. It was all too much. Eventually, Vader tracked down Chet and made an example of him. A year later Rogue One happened. You can see that Krennic still couldn’t unsee the helmet.


The first post after a break ain’t easy. Even if I started writing well before said break.

 

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