What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet: Handwiches

joke, ass, constipation, writers block

In this brand new, ground breaking, and hard hitting series – that will occur when I can’t think of anything else to write about – we will discuss, “What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet.” It could be anything! Elves! Elvis! Dire squirrels!

Here are the rules:

  1. I can only catch a glimpse of the topic in a feed.
  2. I can’t click the link or read the article at all before I start weighing in. Which seems to be a widely accepted practice these days.
  3. Only after I write about what I think I saw do I actually investigate what I glimpsed.
  4. Then reveal it to you and figure out if I’m right or wrong.

Now, without further adieu…


The name handwiches conjures imagery of some jack-ass in the nineties trying to make fat kids fatter and those annoying chain restaurants with movie memorabilia everywhere that make their employees sing “Happy Birthday” to you. Let’s face it, there isn’t anything happy about those birthdays and I highly doubt there is anything happy about handwiches.


Perhaps your imagination is running hogwild and you’ve already envisioned a pair of  crusty gluten gauntlets that one wears while noshing some sandwich fillage. If so, I think we may have seen the same thing and it’s totally cool to gag.


Why for the love of fuck would anyone want to stuff their hands into the bread and hold the sandwich filling between their fingers? I’m trying it right now with my hands and air. It sucks! Do I eat fingers or palm first? My elbows kind of hurt. I keep having to move my bottom hand which is making all my imaginary fillings fall out. So frustrating!


Also, on more than one occasion I bit down and caught my finger. Not only does that hurt, but my finger is slobbery and  gross. The armor like bread is being stripped away leaving me susceptible to more such attacks. Which also means the bread to filling ratio is going to be off rather quick. Sounds like a great way to carbo load! So sanitary! What about the stuff under my fingernails and dry skin. Oh gawd! This is totally the stuff illegitimate dreams are made of!

The Reveal


At this time I would like to calm down and have a look at what has filled my head with such horror. For humanity’s sake, I hope that it’s just my imagination. That some venture capitalist didn’t back some insane baker who watched the first twenty minutes of Edward Scissorhands too many times. Oh crap!



So what do you think gross or are you preordering a pair right now? Oh would you look at that, they come with raisins. Which is the perfect for simulating liver spots.


Shoutout to the clickbait site that posted this crap and thanks for not including a write up on bread gloves. You’re welcome for the clicks and thanks for the memories jerks!

Please comment, share, and don’t buy bread gloves.

One Reply to “What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet: Handwiches”

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