It’s World Vegan Day today! I had no idea. As a simple vegetarian, I didn’t get the invite. I’m sure it got lost in the mail or something. I’ll go check the old inbox after this. Usually, on these made up holidays that aren’t recognized by the government, I post this little gem. However, I agree with this holiday. I think people and the world would be further ahead if we quit eating so much damn meat.
For me it isn’t even about people giving up meat cold tofurkey. It’s about reducing the intake. Talking people into not ordering meat sandwiches for lunch and then throwing half of it away. Driving home that meat doesn’t grow on trees. Making people realize that vegetables, seasonings, and sauces taste great and that meat tastes like iron, blood, and brown.
Don’t worry, I’m not one of the extreme types. There isn’t a militant bone in my body and my high horse is more of Shetland Pony* named Riverdance. In fact, one could say that “I’m the kind of vegetarian people want to drink a beer with.” And as long as that beer doesn’t contain fish bladder, bacon or whatever else over zealous meat eaters – in an attempt to experience meat at every juncture of their day – have put in beer, I’m down.
To further the point that I’m highly accepting and approachable, I’d like to share a story. A few years back I had a small bite of bacon. After not having meat for several years, I thought it was somewhat important to set foot back in The Den of Evil. To test myself and see if I was speaking the truth when I said I didn’t miss it. What I experienced was weird. The bacon was salty, gristly, smokey. The kind of salty smoked fat that makes foodies think they are fucking Gordon Ramsey when they toss a rasher on anything that would suck otherwise. My head spun at the thought of the life that had been lost in order for everyone to eat this bacon. How that life sucked.
The experience didn’t weaken me, it increased my resolve. It has been almost nine years since I cut out the meat. Yes, all meat, even in stocks and gravies. I don’t miss it and I feel great about it. When my wife and I became vegetarians we did it for ethical reasons. As the years went on environment and health benefits compounded on top of that. There are all sorts of great dishes that can be made. How couldn’t there be, when only one ingredient is missing?
I don’t need meat. You don’t need meat. We don’t need meat. It’s hard on the environment and our bodies. It doesn’t do all that much good. There are plenty of sources of protein, if muscle building is your thing. Quit leaning on that excuse because of your unoptimized diet and your weak sub-par will. Stop thinking it’s fine because everyone else is doing it. Your food habit is hurting so many beings that it is mind boggling. And when minds are boggled, senses of humor become uncalibrated. Everything becomes super serious. No one can tell if something is a joke or not.
Meat doesn’t make one funny. It does quite the opposite actually, making one think that “zingers” such as “plants have feelings,” and “I’m a meatetarian,” are funny. Jokes like that aren’t funny and are proof that you saw Paul Blart 2 in theaters. If you want to own up to that on top of slaughtering animals and being generally harder on the environment, then go right ahead, enjoy your burger. Tell yourself that it’s okay because you once thought about not eating meat, but decided it was too hard. Tell everyone that you’re an animal lover as you grind that cow between your teeth. Go crowd fund Paul Blart 4 on kickstarter. You’re already an asshole and a terrible human being.
“Ha ha! High-Ho Riverdance! Away!” Clop-baclop-baclop
*Can we even say Shetland Pony in this age of political correctness and the easily offended?
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