The Never-Ending Campaign (Ahh-ahh-ahhh-aahh-aahh-aaaaahh)

Sweatpants Life

 

Will this campaign ever end? November 8th can’t get here fast enough! I am absolutely tired of waiting to get this damn thing over with. In fact, I think everyone is! Who isn’t irritable and getting more frustrated by the second. Am I the only one tired of being barraged by snot nosed tattle-talings from both camps? If your mind isn’t already made up, then it never will be. Seriously, I have seen Canadians that, in a hypothetical scenario would both vote for the same candidate, fighting with each other. Enough is enough! Roll the credits! Warm up the bus!

I decided who I’m going to vote for a couple of weeks ago. Am I excited about it? Not really. To be honest, I can’t see how anyone is excited about this election. Even if they were in love with a candidate months ago, said candidate has been dragged through the mud and shown to be one of the worst people alive. Seriously, who wants either of the top two. They are ruined husks of their former selves. Spouting more rhetoric and tattling on one another. What about those other two? Short answer, “Who gives a shit?”

This is the downside of having campaigns drag on for two years. Familiarity breeds contempt. All the shit they hid and the shit they forgot they did comes to light. People are literally sifting through emails. Hoping to find Hillary’s demon summoning spell. Another group of sad sacks are spending time watching Donald Trump look less like The Annoying Orange as they travel back in time, to a period when he was only slightly physically repulsive.

Isn’t that funny? Trump’s tech vice shows how old he is. The bane of his technological existence is video. Not even HD video, this is that old crap from the nineties. The kind of stuff that was in a 4:3 aspect ratio and required bunny ears. Remember those TV’s? Sweet cheese pots, some of them were just as fat and heavy as Trump himself.

At least, Hillary is living proof that old people shouldn’t be on the internet. As fogies don’t seem to be able to wrap their heads around it. Unable to accept that it is a real and tangible part of our daily lives, they put all sorts of information everywhere, they don’t hide any of it, and they click every single pop up. Every! Single! Pop-up!

If Kim Kardashian really wanted to break the internet she would assemble a rougish five person team of old people. What did they do in a previous life? Demolitions expert? Green Beret? Accountant? Who cares because they can quite literally fuck technology up regardless of background. Just hand them some laptops and maybe a van to cruise around. That way they can pooch traffic while they are waiting for Yahoo tech support to get back to them.

So where was I? Right! The last few months haven’t helped me choose a candidate. Instead, it’s undermining my hopes for a better tomorrow. I don’t like either of them, but I prefer one over the other. In addition, it’s causing these two to not debate issues. Where’s climate change? Why are we still talking about abortion? Let it go already! That way, we can talk about more current issues that are causing some serious problems!

In fact, I still don’t know what Trump’s plans actually are. He just seems like a man who is going to drive to Ikea without asking for directions and is going to assemble that bookcase without reading the instructions. All while being a gluten chugging, Van Hagar favoring, plastic bamboo douche chute!

Oh well, just a few more weeks and it will all be over with. Then people can start with the “I told you so’s.” We can sign recount petitions. Maybe start this term’s birther movement. Until then, the tattles can keep coming. Concerned citizens everywhere are standing by with phones ready. Fully prepared to record, post and share the next example of debauchery that occurs. Just be sure to grab the torches and pitchforks before you start live tweeting!

 


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