My wife was in full blown ironic, self-harm mode last night. It didn’t matter what I said, my pleas for respecting oneself went unheeded. She watched over an hour of the Republican National Convention. Over that hour, I tried to ignore it by turning up my music to deafening levels. However, there were moments that I could hear what was happening. Some of it caught my interest, to the point I had to remove headphones and listen. I have to admit I don’t know why I was so hesitant. Once I relaxed, I really enjoyed it.
What isn’t to love about a bunch of good ole people getting together and saying the status quo, the current situation, and stuff we did back in the 50’s works for us? People who say, we don’t want to change a goddamn thing, except for: too many brown people, too many atheists, women are lippy, and bring back prayer in school. I saw people who were not only worried about the safety of their physical vessels – to near ludicrous levels – while on this harsh earth, but were also deeply concerned about the pristineness of their souls. Especially, once those damn dirty liberals take away the guns and they are unable to defend themselves from the terrorist strike that occurs moments later. Alanis Morissette couldn’t even write a song about that kind of irony!
Then a blue collar multi-millionaire got up on stage and said he knew what it was like to be the common folk. Who cares if he hasn’t had to pack his lunch, take care of his kids, stretch a minimum wage paycheck, get stuck in traffic, knows how to hide his taxes in offshore bank accounts. He is just a cheap beer drinking, Larry The Cable Guy loving, driving with the windows down while blasting Toby Keith, blue collar guy. He could literally work right alongside you at your job. However, he doesn’t because he is fucking a millionaire. All he had to do was a say that, “America isn’t safe, non-white male hetero people, America.”
As far as the America isn’t safe thing, are they shooting for a zero percent fail rate? How many more liberties are people actually willing to have encroached upon in order to keep themselves safe and “free.” Wait, wait. I’m doing it wrong. I started thinking again, back to the RNC.
Screw music festivals and drugs as a way to decompress and avoid the stresses of day to day life. The RNC seemed better for the physical body, plus most people seemed to have showered before they came. Speaking of indoor plumbing, the RNC has it! Which is something most musical festivals don’t.
Sure, maybe the music that is played isn’t quite your thing. Perhaps the fact that you understand the Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the U.S.A.’ is a scathing critique, not a celebration. Sure, maybe jabbing a metal skewer through an ocular cavity and swishing it around the frontal lobe will be necessary for one to fully enjoy the benefits of the RNC, but when in Rome.
In the end, life just seems easier at the RNC. For instance, I didn’t realize that racism and the environment weren’t actually issues. All it took was some rich guy getting up on stage and telling me to not worry about it. Silly me, all these years wasted trying to be a better person and – albeit shallowly – trying to leave the world in a better place.
But fuck it! It isn’t a problem, nothing is. Not with my gun by my side, women’s bodies under the full control of the government, and plenty of laws and social barriers to marginalize non-white male heteros. A totalitarian religious regime, what could possibly wrong?
Just because I’m bagging on the GOP does not mean that I’m voting democrat.