Dernt Terk Er Gerns!

I’ve written several times about gun control. Sure, I’ve seasoned the posts with a dash of my usual dry humor, but they were mostly serious. You can read them for yourself and be the judge. However, if the spirit moves you toward humor, then perhaps you should simply read on.

I received a well written comment a few days ago on one of these serious posts. A fellow Canadian thoroughly buttered my biscuits and pretty much fell in line with things that I said and mentioned a few things that I didn’t fully touch on. In closing he said, “The question is now whether there is a better alternative than bearing arms in order to achieve the objectives that the Founding Fathers envisaged.”

That got me thinking, I’ve always been thinking, but this was more than usual. Plus, I am just pissed off and exhausted over hearing gun enthusiasts defend their god given right to aid in the killing of innocent people whenever the mood strikes them or their creepy kid gets the keys to the gun closet.

What are some alternatives to guns? What are some incentives for people turning in their point and clickers of death? What are some silver medals for ostracized Trump supporters to purchase in a – hopefully – much needed pick me up on November, 9th?

Self-defense lessons at the learning annex – Guns are the remote controls of death and defense. Why not, end the perpetrators life with bad ass martial arts skills? How cool would that be? No one goes to Jason Statham movies to watch him shoot people. We want to see the leg sweep, mid-air throat grab, ground slam, knife to the left ocular cavity!

An interpretive dance course at the same learning annex – Defend yourself through the magic of dances inspired by flamenco and zoomba! Grab that perpetrator and unleash the forbidden powers of the tango. While the rose may be on a, while supplies last basis, who leads is not. Lead the perpetrator to their end by taking and holding them until authorities arrive. Spin and whirl them to the point of disorientation. Never let go! Drag them to and fro across the room. Is that lust in their eyes? Sweep the leg, grab the throat, slam, forcefully place knife or rose in left ocular cavity!

Mascot courses at the learning annex – Why conceal your guns when you can conceal yourself in a man sized red breasted warbler suit? Not to be confused with a giant chicken suit or the giant chicken in the suit, this bad boy allows paranoid cowards to quit worrying about their inherent safety and fall in love with life all over again. This time without the tin foil hat conspiracy theory and inaccurate self-evaluation that makes them feel like they need a gun to fight off the government. On the rare chance that some shenanigans do arise, all one must do is simply flap their wings in a warning fashion and emit a warbling sound. The redbreast will appear and frighten off most non-red-green color blind attackers. If one flaps their arms fast enough, causing the red to flicker, one may cause the onset of a photosensitive seizure, if the attacker is prone to such things. At which point, one will have ample opportunity to sweep the leg, grab the throat, slam, ram the beak into the left ocular cavity.

I came up with all three of these in just a few minutes. What the hell could a team or committee of people come up with? Actually, after the sit-in and several bills being shot down, not much.

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