Shit Slinger: The Legendary Oscillating Fan of Judgement

Long ago, in an age before the internet. During a time when the Maple Leafs could have been champions. There was an oscillating fan of legendary origins. A fan for whom without, the phrase “When the shit hits the fan,” would not exist. A fan with many names : Shit Slinger, Vornado Brownblade, Stinkwind of Hoboken, Gandalfini Shithawk.

A fan of mythical deeds and powers that have been forgotten by the human race. The only proof that Shit Slinger ever existed at all is that phrase. We utter it like hindsight prophets. People flee, children cry, everything burns to ash. Yet, the only thing people can say is that the shit has hit the fan.

Forgetting full well that somewhere beyond time and the physical plane; A fan whose original color can no longer be determined, a fan whose protective cage was lost eons ago, a fan who has ascended beyond needing electricity, has decided that we have tempted fate long enough. That we had plenty of chances to steer our ship around the current mess and have failed to do so. Shit Slinger is fickle. Shit Slinger is judgey. Shit Slinger has no patience for our shit.

Ethereal excrement is summoned forth and hurled toward Shit Slinger. Almost as if in slow motion it travels through the air, between three and a half feet and four feet off the ground. Shit Slinger hums and whirrs while sending air traveling to and fro. Travelling between the points of oscillation. Waiting for the moment of impact.

Judgement has been passed. There is not a single thing anyone could do to stop the punishment. Punishment that is sprayed and flung hemispherically outward. Only as a metaphor at first. Then through the process of magic and elder powers is practically applied to us and our situation. The skies open, the earth crumbles, the seas dry up. Still a metaphor, but an apt one none the less.

Remember to set yourself up for success and avoid the wrath of Shit Slinger. Plan ahead and look both ways before crossing the street. Perhaps beg for forgiveness into the nearest fan. Just talk right into it! Not only will you sound like a cool robot, Shit Slinger may consider your plea. Unless it is a box fan of course. Box fans do not deliver messages to Shit Slinger as they are not fans of oscillating fan’s elitism.

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