Heatwave

I keep droppin’ lines in recent posts about how we are experiencing a heatwave. Now, it is time to just freakin’ make this topic front and center. Last weekend was freaking hot and if the sun wasn’t out and trying to burn me alive like it was trying to exact revenge on me for killing its father, it was humid. Even better, last weekend was apparently nothing to the weekend coming up! The north is on fire due to our incredibly dry conditions and scumbag smokers who don’t want their shame in the ashtrays of their vehicles.

Sunday morning was rough. I worked on some blog posts while sitting in front of the fan. In desperate need of coffee, I kept throwing the freshly brewed savior down my gullet. Soon I realized that I had become superheated, both inside and out. That is when I thought that if this were a superpower my name would be the “Human Smoldering Ember.” I could you know, just keep people warm and shit. People in a heatwave may view me as a villain, but when winter rolls around “Look who is happy to see me!” I scream with my arms wide open and my head wagging back and forth.

My wife and I went for walk after lunch and she mentioned that she was sweating and that she never sweats. I replied with “I can’t recall the last time I wasn’t sweating.” I feel like I was bit by a radioactive slug and have the lame ass power to be coated in some gross ass mucus like, sweat thing.

Anyone who comes up to me and says “What a beautiful day!” or “Yesterday was a beaut!” will get a canned response. With a volume level slightly more than it needs to be and perhaps a smokers lung intonation I will respond. “I can’t tell if I am wearing boxers or moist towelettes?

Leave a Reply