The Go Bots Freakin’ Sucked! Part Two

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(Continued From)

The toys themselves were somewhere between transformer plastic and hot wheel metal. This makes sense as they were made by Tonka, who had a history of making toy vehicles. Each and every character stood ramrod straight with nearly no points of articulation. Rarely did they have moving wrists, elbows, knees, or waists. Those fleeting instances of articulation were only for folding the robot back into vehicle mode. Most of them didn’t have feet either, they just stood on their bumpers or tail wings.

Leader One and Cop-tur(d) might have been the only two semi passable characters. Cy-kill chewed the scenery like a heffer with a tapeworm. While Scooter was the equivalent of Jar-Jar before any of us knew who the hell Jar-Jar even was. Everyone else ate cyber-dee to the point that it is now extinct. Almost all of them had a name that sounded like it could have been a turn of the century post grunge nu-metal band: Loco, Dumper, Grungy, Pumper, just to name a few.

I didn’t always have such vitriol for the Go-Bots, I received Scooter for my birthday. I lived out in the boonies and had never seen the cartoon. He was red and snazzy and I let him hang out with my Transformer. Which was exceptionally rare as I was toy gourmet and never allowed any such crossovers. Within a few days his chest piece became unaligned, but with a little work and constantly adjusting the metal hinge I got by. Then he took a turn for the worse and couldn’t hold his head up anymore. It would flip up for a second, but then it would flop back down.

We went to my grandmother’s house, which is where I got to see all the good cartoons. That was when I had my first real battle with actualization. In my head, Scooter was cool. What I saw on screen though was something much different. He sucked! His voice was high pitched and he was mostly useless. I had a real difficult time coming to grips with that. If I ever truly did.

After twenty five years I still think Scooter sucks. I am okay with that, we all can’t be zingers. Go-Bots in their entirety sucked. When your coolest characters would be the lamest characters in another show there is a problem. I know that Hasbro owns the rights to Go-Bots. I know of a couple of comics where a few Go-Bots show up and are made fun or die or something. I think now in an era where irony sells. Where Hasselhoff and Sharknado are actual money making juggernauts. Now more than ever, there needs to be a reboot of the Go-Bots. Something satirical that encapsulates their suckiness in all its glory. If you can’t beat’em admit that you suck and embrace it. Hasbro, make it happen!

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