Killer Kitchen: The Sundering – or – This Is The Part Where: The Drinking Game

  Well, this is the first day of our new kitchen. No, it isn’t finished. This is the part where we start disassembling everything. Knocking out the backsplash. Unhooking all the plumbing. Emptying all the drawers and cabinets. Applying pressure to a pain point. This is the part where we go all in. This is the part where we take our scheduled lives and the freedom to fully use the kitchen outback and shoot them.

  Issues have arisen around the ordering of the cabinets. Days have slipped and the installation date hangs precariously on Friday. Any further pushing will push out the installation of the back splash. A task my father-in-law will be helping me with. Actually, I will be helping him. Handing him stuff and keeping him hydrated, like a bearded nurse assisting Dr. MacGyver. Trowel. Tile. Diet Coke. French fry.

  He lives a day’s drive away and is in town for work. That isn’t a coincidence, it’s the reason why we chose the dates we did. I’ve never installed a backsplash. In the past two years I have learned a lot about the upkeep of our home. Google and I can do just about anything. It’s like The Matrix except, instead of confidently declaring, “I know kung fu,” I instead say, “I have a rough, vaguely foggy, base understanding of why I am swinging this hammer wildly above my head!”

  In general I do okay, at the very least it doesn’t look or behave worse than it did before. Although, that caulking job in the master bathroom looks a bit shoddy. However, that was my first rodeo. An hour later the on suite bathroom and the kitchen caulking jobs looked pro. These last few statements were more for me. A pep talk! A “Let’s win this one for the Gipper!” to myself. Just in case I am left doing this tile with Google and Dr. MacGyver talking me through it on the phone, like we are diffusing a bomb.

  This is the part where I sign off. Loosen the screws and put hammer to flat bar. Time for the climax, the boss fight. This is the part where my wife and I go to Home Depot only twice, if we are lucky. This is the part where we test the tensile strength of our marriage. This is the part where my wife and I become purveyors of calm understanding and infinite love. I got a good feeling about this. I love you honey. See you on the other side.

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