The Incident On Cake Mountain.

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  For those not in the know, Hasbro made phallic extruder and put it in a Play-Doh Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain play set. There was some huge stink. Some woman proclaimed it ruined Christmas. Right-wing libertarian bloggers have labeled the images NSFW! I don’t know what the hell they are going to do with it. I doubt there is much room next to the enormous cob they already have up there. Regardless it is now in that context. Of course, Hasbro is offering to exchange the toy. And, while I do have to admit that it does look like sex toy, I must also admit that this whole thing is insipid. It is really just a bunch of hyper sexualized adults putting it into this context, the kids have no idea what is happening. The kids are alright.

  Let’s get one thing straight, it doesn’t look like a penis, it looks like a dildo. Get your lexicon calibrated you value projecting, sexually repressed idgits. Honestly, your kids are just enjoying making cakes with Play-Doh. They are not yet cognizant enough of the world or the contents of the top drawer of your bedside table to know that anything is aloof. Although, now that you are taking it away from them and, soon replacing it with a new one, they will. Sure you can make up some story, but due to the magic of alcohol and internet, this topic is sure to come up in their twenties, when you aren’t around to protect them. A drink, a wistful walk along Reminiscing About Your Childhood Lane, and a quick google will bring this incident back to the light. Then you will have some explaining to do. Especially if Santa brought them the dang thing.

  The kids don’t really need to be protected. It doesn’t explode. There are no small pieces that they can swallow. It just looks like dildo. Which they don’t know about. So, why is there a recall? Is it because you can’t be trusted with your child’s toy? Does the voice in your head keep repeating the slogan, “Once it is done extrudin’, it’s time for your intrudin’!” Your kid isn’t going to do anything weird with it or at least not that kind of weird.

  Furthermore, how did this thing get into your child’s possession to begin with? I mean, surely your kid didn’t pour two fingers into a tumbler, grab the smokes by the door and take the minivan to the nearest big box, did they? Although, you are the one that bought them a dildo! Did you just randomly pick up boxes of toys and pitch them in the cart in a mad rush to get home and watch The Voice or whatever it is that people who don’t care about their children watch? It is on the front of the box! I googled it! I took the time, because I care more about this blog and its readers than you do about your child.

  In the end, your kid was going realize how much it did resemble a dildo. After they had grown up. They were going to look back and wonder about the horn dog designer, the bible thumping naivetes in quality assurance department at Hasbro, and why you let them play with it. Giving you a chance to have a teary ole heart to heart about how innocent your kid was and that they didn’t understand back then. Instead, they are going to get an extruder that is still phallic and a dirty shameful feeling every time they decorate a cake.

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