One Small Observation From A Vegetarian In Regard To Gluten Free People.

  Okay, I am a vegetarian! My wife and I pretty much went cold tofurkey back in November of 2007. She had made a bet with a co-worker that she won within a month. After that, there was two month transition, where we settled our accounts, cleaned out the freezer, and had our last traditional Christmas dinner. By February we were completely clean and haven’t fallen off the wagon once.

  So after seven years my dietary decision is still a fairly hot topic. I am ovo-lacto, that means I will eat eggs and dairy. I stick to free range eggs and small local dairies. I will also use other products where animals were not slaughtered, such as honey. I will avoid animal stocks and oils.

  “Do you eat fish?” Is it a slaughtered animal? No! Pescetarianism is for quitters. They are trans-dietarian, carnivores stuck in vegetarians bodies. Also, if I did eat meat, it wouldn’t be from the overfished ocean!

  “But you eat eggs.” Yeah because I am pro-choice. I don’t want to be hypocrite. Also, the eggs are not fertilized and, once again, the chickens are free range. Yes, real free range. I checked-out the eggery, ovary, rootin-tootin egg ranch, or whatever it is called. Honestly, I don’t even know what to type into google.

  “And you eat off of grills where meat was cooked, you scandalous bastard.” What is this the fucking Spanish Inquisition! This seems like it is a religious choice fraught with persecution. All I am trying to do is avoid harming and slaughtering animals. Food production economics and my health are secondary benefits.

  Within recent years there has been a spike in people who can’t eat gluten. Celiacs disease is apparently a fucking pandemic. Look, I understand that there are people who actually can’t eat gluten. Who were told they shouldn’t eat gluten by a doctor. It’s the other ones I have an issue with. For the love of fuck people, you are supposed to fart! It is cool, everyone does it. Some of us just do it better. Especially me, after a bowl of vegetarian chili I can go full Umbrella Man.

  Anyway, gluten free folk walk up to the same people that were asking me all those questions above and announce, in a very Marvin the Martian like voice. “I don’t eat gluten.” No pins drop, no records skip, no one bats an eye, no questions asked! “We weren’t supposed to eat wheat,” they continue as they take a bite of lamb shank.

  I don’t think we were supposed to eat meat either. In fact, I can’t even bite through an onion ring without pulling out the scalding hot slime of pain causing first degree burns on my chin[1]. While my dog stares at me with a an expression that says, “Dude, your teeth suck!” Much less take down a gazelle and tear out its throat.

  Yeah, we were totally supposed to eat meat! What the hell are we supposed to eat? Were we even meant to survive? Maybe we were just meant to live in trees, throw fecal matter, and rage hump magic mushrooms in a glorious mating ritual that happens every Tuesday. Except we wouldn’t know it was Tuesday because magic mushroom rage humping fecal flingers don’t have calendars, typically. I don’t know. Maybe I should just take it as a compliment that my being a vegetarian is a conversation piece and not the tax forms of the food world.


[1] Which is why I have grown a beard, to cover the scars.

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